I have been wanting to write about my own healing process for a long time. I have resisted writing specifics about my healing challenge because I don’t want pity from people. I have not wanted the “poor Julie” attitude.
Something has shifted for me in recent weeks that urges me to write.
I had a situation with a dear, old friend of mine. We had been doing a daily call to speak affirmation, intentions and gratitudes for the last 12 years. This commitment had supported both of us as we moved through our work and our lives, in difficulty and celebration. And then, out of the blue, she ended our calls because I have not sought medical attention the way she thought I should for my challenges.
I could make up lots of reasons why she feels this way. I certainly don’t feel trusted by her that I am following my own path with healing, that I know what I am doing. And perhaps sometimes I don’t know what I am doing at all. And sometimes I regret the path I have chosen. And sometimes I doubt that I will ever heal. And that has been the most beautiful thing….to continue to see ways that I can open to new choices and to love and accept myself when I feel I have fallen short of what I could have done. And to see the amazing healing that has happened for me since I received this challenge.
I have been grieving the loss of support I felt from our connections. The wisdom is coming to me though that this is a good thing. This has been given to me so that I may be in community with those that trust me.
My challenge is this: I have a hip/leg situation where my leg is pulled up and so I have to use walking sticks to walk. I have had this situation for about 6 years. I have pain when I sleep on my back after a couple of hours so I cannot sleep laying down all night. Often I sleep sitting up. I have numbness in my leg and foot.
In the work that I do with apprentices and students, we look at ways that our healing challenges are gifts, that we can see more deeply into our lives from working with healing ourselves in all kinds of ways.
This challenge with my hip and leg has transformed me. I am not like I used to be. I have learned to ask for help and have all kinds of help and support around me now. Not only is there support from people as they help me, there is also love and companionship, camaraderie and potent connections. The teaching that I offer is deeper now. I am not so arrogant and pretentious. I have learned to listen more closely to my intuition and the wisdom of my shamanic helpers and the plants and trees. I have learned that having a physical challenge doesn’t have to stop me from being the teacher and shamanic practitioner that I am called to be. I have deepened my relationship with my husband too. I have become more an equal partner and learned to be honest about everything. I have learned to appreciate what a wonderful man I have chosen as my life partner.
Why not medical intervention so far? I have been listening to my intuition about whether I need to seek medical intervention, maybe a hip replacement, maybe something else medical. It has not been the right thing for me yet. Could it be fear that is stopping me? Sometimes I am not sure. And I continue to listen and follow what I am given.
I practice the wise woman tradition of healing. This healing tradition includes all ways of healing, from energetics and healing herbs to medical interventions like surgery. This is not a tradition of alternative medicine. It is the tradition of both/and. I choose and follow what is best for me, I trust myself.
About three years ago, an apprentice gathered some bright red Hawthorne berries from our land and they were laid out on my table. She went out to do more gathering and I sat and looked at the Hawthorne berries because they were so beautiful and brilliant. Clear as can be, I heard a voice say, “You can heal your hip without surgery.” I am still there with that message. And I keep listening to what it means?
In the last year, I have been feeling an urge to do emotional healing and that this will help me move forward in healing my hip/leg. I am embarking on this journey now.
I wish that I could tell a miraculous tale of how my hip/leg healed and that I am now walking without the walking stick. (I have had over 30 dreams about walking freely with no aid). Perhaps the miracle is unfolding as I write, perhaps it is subtle and I must be quiet and still to notice it.
My intention is to heal. I am continuing on this path of healing, of listening and being present with the divine forces of the universe that help us live lives of utter amazement.
I am here to be a presence for healing.
May it be in Beauty.